Tonight, I finally gave up. I gave up. Completely. And it feels amazing.
Throughout today and the past, oh I don't know, maybe a couple weeks, my life has been a wreak. I found myself waking up with selfish ambitions and just hoping that I could make it through the day. Some days were worse than others. But at the end of every one, I would be irritated, frustrated, angry, sad, upset, tired, hopeless, just wanting to go to bed to get the day over with. What a life huh.
I've felt that God was right behind me ready to take me and give me hope and a new life. But this pride and stubbornness somehow held me back. I can imagine that was autographed by some evil little dude. Trying every sneaky little trick in his evil trick book to keep me as far away from God as possible. I hate when he does that. Cause it works. So I've been running and running and running from Him, trying also to get away from that evil guy, just wanting to be left alone. Haha, bad move. Both of them kept on following, right at my heels. Ever had lots of people telling you to do something totally different than the other. That's pretty much how I felt. God kept whispering in my ear that I will never have rest until I fall into His arms. While Satan would take his slimy little hands and pull my away, telling me that he had a better deal. Ha. Ya right. I would start to listen to my Father, and try as hard as I could to turn my day around and give it to Him. But again I would stumble and Satan would pounce. Man, he's fast.
But God is tremendously stronger than Satan, and He will break anything that gets between Him and his child. Using whatever He needs. This time, for me he used a simple thing everyone can use. Radio. Seems simple enough.
I have programed my computer to play K-Love, a christian radio station. Wow. It is amazing how just one song will humble you, give you peace, bring you to tears and reveal the love that's been hidden down deep inside. God has shown me so much through these songs. It truly amazes me how He works. The right song always seems to play when I need it.
While it is very hard for me to give in, I finally did. I just prayed almost to the point of tears that I don't want this life. In fact, it isn't really a life. It's junk. Pure junk. And junk is the only thing that I've been living for. I don't want the irritation, frustration, anger, sadness, being upset, tired and hopeless. I'm sick of it. I just sat there begging God to take it and throw it as far as He can throw it. (Which I bet that is pretty far)
I want my life to be filled with love, peace, joy, and kindness. To have a heart filled with hope and longing for Him. I want to be able to shine His light. Not S man. When people look at me, I don't want them to see Madalyn. I want them to see Jesus. Which to me that sounds impossible, but I know that God does great works in people that give their lives to Him. So who knows.
I feel such a peace, and I can't help but hear God tell me, "I told you so" :) I love Him so much, and I know His love surpasses mine. No more running, no more hiding, I'm living for Him!
It kind of scares me though. Because every time I look around a corner, I see his beady little eyes searing right through me with hate and greed. Ya, a little creepy. I'm so afraid of him coming back and I have to start all over again. I can't help but feel that it is going to happen and there's nothing I can do about it. Because we are humans, but I really don't want to do it again. I'm tired of it. I'm scared of it. Probably because I have to go again to His feet and beg forgiveness. It's the biggest form of humbleness there is. And I have to say it sort of hurts. It probably hurts Him more than me though. To have to look upon this sinful little emotional girl that keeps wreaking the life He's giving her. I feel awful when I hurt Him. But He will still dry those billion tears and love me unconditionally. Can He be any more amazing?!
And as for Satan, he is still going to be around the corner. Up in the tree, sneaking up behind me, waiting for the perfect time to tie me up and tell me how awful, ugly, hateful, evil, ruined beyond repair I am. But I have a battle plan. I have my armor that I've let collect a mountain of dust, and a mighty mighty God who is always there to protect and heal me! So Satan, you'd better watch out. Cause I've got God, and I'm not afraid to use Him!
I have a feeling life is going to be a tad bit different now. :) In an amazing way!
Now is when I would write out a verse or two...but there are so many that I'm finding as I flip through the pages...you would be reading forever. So go look them up yourself. :)
Nevertheless, here it is.
Philippians 3:14
~I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus!
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